Attitude Adjustment

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Tonight I sat down with my pastor to talk.  I've been having a harder time adjusting to being back at the beach than I assumed I would.  I've been sad and bitter and angry.  It took sitting down with him to get a different point of view on things. 

First off, there I was complaining about not seeing my husband to a man who had to bury his wife last year.  That in itself made me feel bad.  I get to wake up every day and tell the Marine I love him.  He tells me all the time he can't wait to be with me again.  We are lucky enough to have that.  Pastor S doesn't.  He has memories and pictures.  I need to be thankful for what I have. 

Then Pastor S helped me realized that while most couples have this great physical connection they don't take the time to learn to emotionally be intimate or work on their spiritual intimacy.  Don't get me wrong, I love the physical connection I have with the Marine when we see each other.  But I am so thankful that we have this time apart to get to talk.  To get to learn how to communicate with each other.  Yes, it's hard to be apart and not have him there to hug me on a bad day.  But he can talk me through it and calm me down like no one ever has before.  If we were together all the time we may never have learned to say what we need to in an effective way. 

And I really need to pull my head out of my butt and realize I have been given everything I prayed for.  For two years I prayed (and worked hard!) to join the Navy.  I had doors slammed in my face and my body criticized.  But I wanted to bad enough to keep praying for it.  Now I'm living my dream.  Kinda.  I need to be thankful for the places I'll get to see in the next few months that I wouldn't in a normal job.  I need to realize how amazing it is to have a job that has allowed me to pay off $7,000 in debt since the start of the year.  I need to take advantage of every opportunity that comes my way because only 1% of the US population is in the military and living the life I'm blessed to have.

I also prayed for a long time for a husband and God answered me big time with the Marine.  I couldn't have designed a more perfect husband for myself if I tried!  That man loves me like no one ever could.  I may not get to be with him as often as I'd like.  But this time apart, the hard parts that I feel like might kill me some days, they are just hard times.  It doesn't mean we have a hard life or a bad marriage or that things won't work out in the end.  It just is giving us the chance to build one heck of a foundation for when we pull through the bad days and get to the good ones.  And it will make us appreciate the good even more.  We just need to get there. 

Beach Bum

 So I lucked into a 3 day weekend.  I have no idea why the command shut down for a day but I'm not complaining!  I have duty this weekend and lucky for me that just means calling in my 8am to prove I'm still alive.  Since I had to go to a medical screening anyhow I wasn't too upset about waking up for a phone call on my day off.  Plus my internal alarm is still set for somewhere around 5am so I was already up and at it. 

Once I got through at medical and the gym I just had to get to the beach. It was the first time since I got home it wasn't gross and cold and rainy. I felt so happy to be able to soak up some fresh air. It make me just amazingly happy to have sand in my hair and smell like sunscreen again. Though maybe I needed a stronger spf!

Taking It Back

Admit it.  You've had those nights where you want to look at one thing on Pinterest and next thing you know you'd wandered so far from the original search you can't remember what it even was.  That's kinda what happened to me tonight.  I ended up stumbling on a link about things from childhoods past and it brought me to one of my favorite childhood books. 

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Sister was an even bigger Silverstein fan that me. But I'll never forget that we both had a poetry project in school and picked from the same collection. It made me smile tonight remembering how hard we both worked to remember all the lines in the right order. Just for old times sake.....

Bear In There
from the book "A Light in the Attic" (1981) Shel Silverstein

There's a Polar Bear In our Frigidaire--
He likes it 'cause it's cold in there.
With his seat in the meat
And his face in the fish
And his big hairy paws
In the buttery dish,
He's nibbling the noodles,
He's munching the rice,
He's slurping the soda,
He's licking the ice.
And he lets out a roar
If you open the door.
And it gives me a scare
To know he's in there--
That Polary Bear
In our Fridgitydaire.

Medical Meltdown

You know, if military medical gave out bandaids like these today might not have stunk so bad. 

Last week when I checked into the command our corpsman (medical guy) told me I needed to get a bunch of stuff done to be good to go on deployment and good to go for our pfa next week.  The first thing was 3 shots. 

Now to a normal person that would be a walk in the park.  Me, it left me freaked out all weekend!  I knew it was the first thing I had to do this morning so I skipped breakfast due to my stomach being in knots and the whole time I was at medical I kept trying to remember my deep breathing steps I was taught to deal with anxiety. 

I was fine.  I could breathe.  My heart wasn't even racing.  Then the nice nurse pulled out the meds and a bunch of needles and I started to shake.  I was sweating and freezing.  She was a little worried but since I have never passed out before she did shot #1.  OUCH!  Then shot #2. DOUBLE OUCH! 

It was right about the double ouch that I started to have trouble hearing.  My eyesight went all spotty.  And all the sudden I was very thankful for the table next to me.  Once it was determined I wasn't going to throw up or hit the ground she made me lay on the table, feet in the air.  I was so pale I was nearly grey.

She managed to do the 3rd shot while I was laying down and was so concerned about me I had trouble convincing her I wouldn't pass out when I left the room.  Though to be honest when I stood up I wasn't 100% certain myself!

Do you know how embarrassing it is to nearly lose it over a few little shots?  Good thing I don't have to go back for a few years to get anymore.  I'm such a baby!  So much for big bad sailor girl.

Hard Times

Lately I have been struggling.  I got back to Virginia on the 19th.  That weekend I went back to church and then had to go to a mini family reunion.  That Monday I went back to my softball team to cheer them on.  As great as it has been to see everyon it's been hard.  I feel like I've had the same conversation dozen of times.  Everyone asks me how happy I am to be back at the beach.  They ask me when the Marine will be here.  They say they know I must be excited at the idea of going on a deployment and seeing the world. 

When they say all that I have two options.  I can grin and pretend I'm just thrilled to be here or I can tell the truth. 

Norfolk is the very last place I wanted to be stationed.  I had no desire to be here.  I did NOT want to come home.  I did NOT want to be close to all the things I ran from.  I didn't join the Navy to come back here.  I want to pitch a full on temper tantrum at the idea of being stationed here. 

The Marine won't be here.  At least not if he stays a Marine.  He can't be stationed here.  The whole reason I picked VA for my orders was because he had implied more than a few times that he had the chance to be stationed here.  Then last week while I was packing he told me that he can't.  The closest he can get is somewhere in NC.  Sure it will be 3.5hrs away instead of 8hrs away but thats still too far away.  So as long as he is in we won't be together on my first tour.  My only tour.

And deployment?  It scares the snot out of me!  I'll be on an aircraft carrier.  Anyone not associated with the military just know that's a HUGE ship.  One big enough to get lost on or fall off of.  I can't hardly go to a new city with family without getting a major feeling of panic.  How am I supposed to navigate a new country on my own, even for a day? 

I know there are good things.  I know there has to be some silver linings.  But right now I'm struggling.  And I don't want people pointing out the good.  I want to be allowed to wallow in my bad mood for a while and not be told to grow up and deal with it.  I want to be allowed to be upset I am not going to see my husband very much.  At least for a while.  It's ok to not be happy. 

I'd Marry Him All Over Again Today

So last week-ish Becky over at From Mrs to Mama had her hubby write a wonderful post about her.  Then I saw Ty had her Blonde John do the same.  Seeing how their men wrote about them I couldn't help but ask the Marine if he would participate.  After reading what he wrote I think you can understand why I eloped with him after only 5 months.  I couldn't let a man like him get away! 

My wife, She's:

 

Caring: Almost to a fault, she cares.

Smart: Except that she decided to marry a Marine (Lucky Guy)

Dedicated: In love and life, she gives countless time of her own to those that deserve, and many that don't.

Committed: There's never a moment I doubt, even to a whisper of a shadow, that she is mine, and I hers.

Intuitive: She knows just what's on my mind and what I want, then again.. when there's limited room.. that's not hard.

Encouraging: She'll cheer you on, and make sure you know that no matter the ups or downs, she'll keep pushing you.

Supportive: No matter if I am failing at my goals, or kicking tail, she is always there, always in my corner.

Honest: She never lies, and she will always know, no matter the truth, I am there through it.

Courageous: She servers her country, through dirt, mud, bugs, and grit, she will serve. Proudly.

Faithful: To God, Family, and Husband.

 

Magical: No matter my mood or how far apart we are, she makes my day, Every day.

Impatient: Always wants to be with me, now! (Score one for me)

Nurturing: Youth group, need I say more? I look forward to seeing you with our kids.

Enthusiastic: About just about everything, the aura she shows is enveloping.

Funny: Can always make me laugh, kicking my butt in Mini Golf, or running from a tiny snake.

Open: She hides nothing, and never will have a reason to.

Respectful: Gives when it's deserved, without hesitation.

Energetic: Always on the go, if there's spare time on her plate, she almost always tries to fill it.

Vibrant: Just as with energetic, she radiates an aura that others can reflect.

Empathetic: She'll listen to your woes and connect so you know she's there and listening.

Romantic: Traditional love, it's what we're about, and it is divine.

Wouldn't Change A Thing

My mother said something to me the other day that has stuck in my head.  We were at my uncles house with a bunch of family that happened to be in town and her cousin made a comment about how the family was upset that I eloped.  No one could be there and they didn't even know it was happening.  Mother said "you missed out on all those checks"  As in since I didn't get married in a traditional way I missed out on the money and gifts that I could have gotten. 

Now I knew there would be some negative comments about my eloping.  I will say I've been shocked no one asked if I was pregnant with how fast we got married.  But never did I expect the negative comment to me such a materialistic one.  Even if she did mean it as a joke. 

There are a few things that I missed.....

I love my dad.  He's my hero.  I have always dreamed of the day that he would walk me down the aisle towards the new man in my life.  And after watching him cry during Sisters wedding when they had the father daughter dance I couldn't wait for my chance to have that moment.

The Marine is a romantic.  He'll actually admit it.  He is not, however, a dancer.  At least not in public.  But I still wanted a first dance.  Our first (and only) dance was in our hotel room the night we got engaged.  I wanted to be able to look in his eyes and have his arms around me and get to say "I love you" over and over to my new husband.

When Sister got married I had to do a maid-of-honor speech.  I managed to get through it without crying.  I couldn't wait to hear what she would say at my wedding.  Somehow I don't think I would have made it through without a few Kleenex. 

Even with the few things I missed I wouldn't do it differently.  I married the man I'm so in love with.  I got to stand there, on the beach, holding the hand of the many amazing man while we said vows to last a lifetime.  I wore a dress I loved.  I didn't have the stress of family battling out how the seating arrangements should be.  I managed to have my perfect day without going into debt.  And someday I'll get that dance with my dad. 

Back Home I Go

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Well it's official. I'm packed up and ready to go. In less than 24 hours I'll be on a plane back to the beach for good. Well, at least for the next 3 years. I'm headed to a squadron back in Norfolk. Anyone remember me saying I wanted to go to Italy or Not Norfolk for my first duty station? This is what I get for saying that for 2 years!

When I got back from leave last week it was a whirlwind week. I found out that all the debt I've been paying off has literally paid off. My clearance has been reinstated and I am officially good to go and do the job I went to school for. As exciting as that was to hear it also came with some not so great news. For months I've been told that when my clearance came in they would find me new orders. Orders that weren't 502 miles away from the Marine. It's what I've been praying for and holding out hope for. They told me that the orders near him I couldn't take due to the clearance issues. I kept hoping that something would come through. That new, better, orders were why I was being held here so long. Something was going to happen for us. No such luck. I'm stuck in Norfolk.

To say my emotions have been a bit out of wack would be an understatement. I'm upset I was lied to. Those orders near the Marine required the same thing that my current orders do. It's hard for me to understand why things happen, why people lie about things that effect other peoples lives. I'm trying to come to terms with knowing I really will be stationed apart from the love of my life for the next 2 years at least. And on top of that I'm trying not to panic at the upcoming deployment my squadron is supposed to be going on.

At least I have such an amazing husband. He's been there for every emotional breakdown I've had. He's there when I need more reassurance. And of course he's always there when I need a laugh. In a moment of deployment freak out I asked him what happens if I fall off the ship. His wonderfully romantic answer was "I'll be $400k richer!" How perfect is he?

  I still have a few days to get use to being back at the beach. To come to terms with being home when that wasn't where I hoped to go. And then in another week I'll check into my new command and it will be the start of one heck of an adventure. And here I thought boot camp was the start of that. Boy was I wrong!

Saying Yes

So BFF K just text me and said she is in a grocery store where there is a jewelry store inside.  You can get your milk and get engaged all in the same place.  I couldn't help but laugh and think of what a story that would be. 

When my dad proposed to my mother they weren't exactly rolling in dough.  He was newly navy (sound familiar?) and he got orders overseas.  They were at the laundry mat and he said the only way she could go with him was if she'd marry him.  Super romantic right? 

Working for a wedding planner I got to hear a ton of stories of how he asked.  Now I want you to share.  Did you have the movie scene proposal every girl dreams of?  Did he even actually ask?  Did you know it was coming? 

Saying Goodbye....Again

 I could not get enough of the beach.  When I'm at the oceanfront I just get calmer.  So I was beyond excited that Monday was a beautiful day.  Perfect mid-70's weather.  I got to go barefoot in the sand.  Water was a little cold though.

 The Marine had to get back on the road to SC about midnight so our last day was pretty low key.  We had an appointment in the morning.  Ate some Mexican food at my favorite Plaza Azteca.  Took a few little naps.  Had mom join us for dinner.  Nothing too high energy since I didn't like the idea of him getting on the road as late as he was with too little sleep.

 It never seems to be enough time when we're together.  I always feel like as soon as we meet up we are counting down to good-bye.  But even if it flies by I'm still so thankful for every moment I get with this amazing man of mine. 

Family Bonding Time

 Sunday was family time.  I have the tendency to over-plan every moment of my life so it's no surprise I tried to do the same thing on my 5 days of leave.  I finally decided I just needed to say no and have some quality time with a few people instead of lotsa little visits that didn't mean much.

Mom, Sister, the Marine and I headed up to Williamsburg for the day.  It was perfect weather and roller coasters were calling our name. 

 Mom and the Marine were the only two brave enough to go on the drop ride.  I don't care that it passes all the safety tests and no on has died on it.  I get queezy just looking at the thing!

I just loved getting to spend the day with them.  My family hasn't spent much time with the Marine so it was nice to see how everyone got along.  And when you have the chance to act like a big kid it's hard not to take it!

Escape From Mississippi

 I know I told yall I was making a break for it.  Time for me to escape the lovely state of Mississippi for a few days.  I couldn't get out of town quick enough. 

Thursday I actually checked out of the barracks and stayed in hotel near the airport.  The airport is about 2 hours away from base so it meant I got to sleep in a little Friday before flying out.  Thank goodness for a coworker who was willing to drive me there!  It saved me $300 in cab fees!

Friday I couldn't get off the ground fast enough.  I may hate to fly but it meant I was going home.  Friday was pretty chill.  Lunch with church friends who picked me up.  Dinner with my mother.  Sleeping off the plane ride. 

 Saturday was a way more exciting day!  I had to kill some time until the Marine made it to town so I called a friend of mine who went to school here with me in Mississippi.  He is now stationed in VA and had yet to see the ocean!  How nuts is that? 

 

After we went to the beach we headed for some sushi and then I had to get him back to base.  It was really nice to see someone from school in a normal environment. 

 



That afternoon the Marine finally got there!  It had been way too many weeks between kisses so I couldn't wait to do the polite amount of time with mom and book it off to our hotel.  We had an AMAZING view.  I could have sat on the deck and looked at that all day.
 

We didn't really do too much exciting that night.  For us just being able to be a normal couple for a while is exciting.  Seafood at one of the best places at the beach, ice cream on the boardwalk.  "Big Bang Theory" while we cuddled.  It was a perfect way to kick on the weekend.

Jail Break

Remember how I've said I'm going a little nutso here in BFE Mississippi?  Well I was granted a jail break!  5 wonderful days back home in VA to soak of the beach air and visit with family and the Marine! 

In case that all isn't amazing enough look what I finally found....

God bless Starbucks!  I haven't had coffee since Christmas time.  I should probably apologize to whoever is sitting next to me on the plane for my shaking and bouncing.  But oh was it worth it.

Now I just a few short hours away from being home and I can't believe it.  I don't think it will sink in til I see "Welcome to Norfolk" that I'm really home. 

Just Ask

So I have a little motto I kinda try to live by.  You can often hear me say "What's the worst that happens?  Someone says no?  Well you can't get a yes if you don't ask"  This is what I kept saying to myself when I was raising money for LLS to run my 1st half marathon.  I tried to keep it in mind when I was pushing forward with enlisting.  Heck, I used it when I emailed the brand new, not even at the church yet Youth Pastor and asked to become a youth leader and chaperon the trip back in 2011.  Out here at school my friends call me the question PO (petty officer) because I am so often heard saying "I have a question."

Well today I had to repeat this over and over and over.  The worst they could say is no.  I submitted some paperwork for a request I have.  It's something simple.  Nothing life or death.  If I get a no the world will not stop spinning. 

Yet for some reason as soon as I turned the paperwork in I got a rock in my stomach, my heart wouldn't stop racing and my anxiety went through the roof.  You would have thought I'd have made the request to dance naked in the streets with how I reacted. 

Hopefully I'll know tomorrow if I get a yes or a no.  Monday at the latest.  Good thing because I don't think I can live with the stress of not knowing.  Have I mentioned yet I'm not good with the unknown?

Nature Sucks!

Remember the nature hike I went on with the roommates?  Well they had a grand ole time laughing at me.  See, I'm not exactly nature girl.  They really should have asked the Marine, he would have told them that!  I'm afraid of bugs and dirt and snakes and dirt and wildlife, and did I mention dirt?  Yet in the spirit of the day I did get a little up close and personal with nature.  First I had to check it for bugs and of course I couldn't get my hands dirty.